


What It Means To Be Jim

by Ravxnclaw



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek (AOS)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Friends to Lovers, George Kirk Legacy, Hurt Jim, Insecure Jim Kirk, Insecurity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-29
Updated: 2016-11-29
Packaged: 2018-09-03 02:32:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8692963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravxnclaw/pseuds/Ravxnclaw
Summary: “Dammit Jim, you're the smartest person I've ever met and you're so  stupid  sometimes! You are everything that I've ever wanted to be, that I've ever  wanted,  and you don't even see it!”To some, the George Kirk Legacy is a hero's tale, one of motivation and heroism. To Jim, it's just too much pressure to live up to.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I have a firm belief that 90% of Jim's self assured attitude is to cover up the fact that he's afraid of not being able to live up to the expectations left on him by his father.

Leonard knew many things about Jim Kirk; the fact that he was going to finish the Academy in just three years, that he had stolen more cars than he'd bought, that he slept in nothing but his boxers and snored loud enough to wake the neighbors, and that he was a horny drunk.   
Many times through their friendship Leonard had seen different stages of Jim’s inebriation, and he thought that he'd seen it all. He'd seen Jim singing classical karaoke with a bottle of Saurian Brandy in his hand and the quiet, observant Jim curled into the corner of the couch with a wine glass that had perhaps been filled and emptied a few too many times, listening to every word Chekov rambled off about his homeland. He thought that he'd seen it all by their second year in the Academy, but as always, Jim seemed set on proving Leonard wrong.  
“Who the hell do you think you are?” Leonard could hear Jim’s voice breaking as he shoved his way through the crowd, shouldering too many cadets out of the way. He saw Jim’s bruised face and hands gripping the front of his shirt, and he started seeing red.   
Grabbing Jim by the shoulders Leonard wrenched him back and away from the man he'd surely provoked somehow. He felt Jim’s fingers wrapping around his, the thicker body tucking into Leonard’s almost as if he was hiding and he started hurrying Jim away. He never should've let Jim go out alone, it always ended up in his comm letting him know to either report to the bar to pick up his friend or to the medical section to stitch him back up.   
“Bones.” He heard Jim whimpering into his shoulder, the blonde head ducked down and face squashed into the material of his jacket. “Bones, just leave me here.”  
“Quiet down, kid. We’re only a few blocks from my place.” Leonard grumbled, wrapping his arm around Jim’s waist to keep him moving despite the way his feet were beginning to drag.   
“No, why do you even bother?” Jim demanded, shoving himself unsteadily out of Leonard’s grasp. He glanced around, the wind whipping around Jim’s body and making his always perfect hair even more tousled, tugging the sides of his jacket around him and Leonard hated himself for thinking about just how breathtaking Jim truly was. His blue eyes were alive despite the bruises blooming around them, his mouth pulled into a sarcastic smile.   
“Honestly, I'm more of a struggle than I'm worth. Constantly making fun of you, blowing you off for whoever comes along that week, pretending that I don't give a shit about anything-”  
“It's an act.” Leonard cut through Jim’s shouting, watching as his friend began to deflate. He could see the trademark Jim Kirk mask slipping, his chest losing its usual puff and his spine slackening until he looked ready to be sick. “It's all an act.”   
“What?” Jim spat back, his eyes losing some of their shine but Leonard kept pushing.   
“You act dumb, but you're a goddamned _genius,_ Jim! Why the hell else would Pike pull your sorry ass out of a bar fight and talk you into enlisting?”  
“No one gives a fuck about my brain, Bones!” Jim shouted, his arms flung wide open as if he was defensive, but Leonard could see what it really was. Vulnerability. “Who cares about what I can do, or what I think, I'm George Kirk’s son and that's all I'll ever be good for!”   
Leonard watched as Jim paced back and forth across the sidewalk, hands swiping angrily at tears Leonard couldn't see. He felt like his own heart was breaking when he watched Jim hiccup and wondered how much he'd drank to get this far.   
“You're more than that.” Leonard whispered, hating Jim for making him say it aloud. “You're my friend.”  
“Oh, well I guess that makes it all worth it?” Jim was pushing the facade forth once again, the careless, charismatic Jim Kirk that everyone else wanted.   
“Dammit Jim, you're the smartest person I've ever met and you're so _stupid_ sometimes!” Leonard stormed closer, grabbing Jim by the shoulders. “You are everything that I've ever wanted to be, that I've ever wanted, and you don't even see it!”   
Jim was staring at him, blue eyes full of questions Leonard wasn't sure he could answer, but feeling Jim’s hands creep under his shirt was more answer than he needed.   
“Bones, you're my best friend.” Jim murmured, his eyes cast downward as his fingers tugged on Leonard’s belt. “If you wanted to be with the Academy slut, all you had to do was ask.” He whipped Leonard’s belt out, and with a forced grin on his face met Leonard’s gaze. “Everyone knows, I'm that easy.”   
“Knock it off.” Leonard’s teeth were gritted and he was probably gripping Jim’s shoulders too tight, but he could see that Jim had been about ready to drop to his knees and he couldn't handle it. Couldn't handle the broken look behind Jim’s eyes, the way his smile was faltering just a little, as if his hidden self was starting to leak through the cracks in his surface.   
“C’mon Bones, don't get too serious on me. We’re drunk, well, half of us anyway, let's have a good time.”   
“Jim.” Leonard’s hands flitted up to cup Jim’s face, fingers steadily tracing over the cheekbones he'd bandaged and healed more times than he could count. “I have put you back together more times than I care to admit, I've stitched you up, cleaned your blood, hell, I've even regrow a few bones for you.” He hated the way Jim’s gaze averted from his own at that, but he couldn't stop. Even if Jim was too drunk to remember anything he said in a few mere hours when they both had to report to lectures, he couldn't let Jim think such terrible things about himself. “I've given you everything and dammit man, I've loved every second of it because you're worth it. Not because you're George Kirk’s son, or Pike’s favorite, or an easy lay after a long week, because you're Jim Kirk and that's all I'll ever want you to be.”   
Jim looked like he didn’t know how to respond to that, conflicting emotions playing across his face and Leonard felt like throwing up when he realized that he must’ve said too much. His fingers were digging into Leonard’s upper arms like he couldn’t decide if he wanted to kiss him or push him away but all Leonard could see was the amazing shape of his lips when they were barely parted in thought.   
“I don’t know what I’m doing here, Bones.” He admitted softly, perfect eyes staring straight up into his without even blinking. “He joined because he believed in it, I joined on a dare.”  
“You joined to see if you could live up to him.” Leonard let Jim lean into him, his face still open and unguarded, displaying every twitch of emotion. “You spent so much time tryin’ to be George,” he saw Jim’s flinch at the mention of his name, eyes glistening. “Now you’re wonderin’ what it means to be Jim.”   
Arms were around his neck, pulling him down until his lips were against Jim’s. His mouth was dry but Leonard’s brain had stopped functioning, the only thought in his brain was the fact that Jim’s tongue was moving against his in a way he didn’t even know was possible. Fingers were in his hair and a hand was pawing at his back before he even had a chance to respond, and he was stunned when he felt warm breath passing over his ear.   
“Do you mean that?”   
There was so much raw vulnerability in his voice, crackling from how close to tears Jim must have been as he fell apart. Leonard hadn’t ever seen it that bad and wrapped Jim as far into his arms as he could, wanting to hold the same body he’d repaired himself so many times and keep it safe from harm.   
“Darlin’,” Bones said softly, heart racing when he felt Jim’s body sag against his own, face burying itself in his shoulder. “I don’t want George, or some legacy, or Pike’s golden boy. I just want you.”

**Author's Note:**

> My ultimate kink is the way Karl says 'what it means to be Jim' in Beyond, u feel  
>  _dJim_


End file.
